×X Feelings X×

To my dearest blog.. It was quite a time since the last post.. Gosh.. It's like almost a year I had abandoned you.. I even get blocked for that.. Gee... Well.. One of the reason would be..... I don't want those people I know to see what I write.. I feel so so super offended.... Seriously! Especially after I knew those who I don't want them to read my blog read.. Funny... 'cause for me.. Blog is where I shout my deepest thoughts and feelings.. It's kinda private... But.. This is my blog! Why would I do that?! Hell NO! I have my right to write to scold or even cry on my blog.. Ok.. So.. What is going on lately? Hmmmm.. I guess my life's a joke.. Or maybe I myself is a joke... I'm a mistake.. I quit my advance diploma.. I'm forced to go back to my hometown which I don't even wanna step on the ground of it... I don't even wanna breath the air here! Why is it so terrible? It would be.. This place is SO SUPERB fallen behind.. Too small.. Since it was just an island.. But most of all.. I can't accept people's mind set and thinking here.. It's terrible and very narrow minded.. Just like "orang kampung".. Speaking of that.. Before I came back here.. I broke up with my boyfriend.. He says he can't stand long distance relationship.. Since he's living in West Malaysia.. I'm living at the east.. We agree for that.. Thou I'm still in love with him.. What to do? He pushed me away so hard.. Plus.. he's too young for me.. 4 years younger.. Goshh he's still studying primary school.. OMG.. See.. I always do stupid things in my life.. I don't understand why I accepted him as my Bf.. Maybe plainly because.. Love is blind.. Well then.. I tried so hard to get over him.. I get a job.. Which is the worst decision ever in my whole entire silly life.. I'm hyperactive.. I can't stand sitting whole day there doing the same damn thing everyday for a living.. I thought I can accept it.. But unfortunately.. I CAN'T!! I quit my study because my internship was a disaster.. The whole designer life for me is.. is....... a tragedy.. But I wanted to work as a pre-wedding photographer.. but I can't get the job here.. And so I quit the design world & I enter the OL world.. which I thought I'll fit in quite well since I hate designer's life and OL's life is just opposite of that.. HIAHIA!! Congratulations!! I just fell into another shit... Now I'm very clear of my aim and goal.. I WANNA BE A PROFESSIONAL PRE-WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER!! I don't care what they will say out there.. I WILL go back KL for this!! Ok.. Just when I'm started to get use to the lifestyle here about a month.. He.. Yes.. My ex BF cry to make up with me.. I can't lie to myself.. I still love him thou everyone disagree for that.. I struggled.. I forgave.. I gave him another god damn bloody chance! I thought he would appreciate this time.. I thought he would change.. I thought he would love me more than before.. yea.. It lasted for about 3 months & he dumped me again.. 2 days before Christmas! What a lovely Christmas present!! What hurt me most? He used the same damn reasons as my ex before him and.. The worst part is.. I went through another shit just like that ex I mentioned just now.. The same old shit repeated.. Why did I do that? Why both of you did that to me? You were the one who cried like you really meant it and now who's the one left behind and wounded like hell?! I don't deserve this!! ENOUGH!! I had enough!! I won't do it again! Not anymore for the rest of my life!! This is just so sick!! I'm a fool.. But.. why am I still feeling hurt when I saw his post in FB saying "Can't take my eyes off of you"? This was like just 2 weeks after broke-up! He met another girl so fast?! Such a jerk!! But no matter how he hurt me.. I just cant get over him.. Why? Why is this happening to me?! I'm hopeless... Furthermore.. My best friend neglected me since her Bf came back here.. She left me alone every weekends.. That is truly hurtful too..I wanna run away from all these shit.. But I seemed to be trapped here forever.. God please lead me the correct way.. I'm struggling everyday.. I'm having insomnia every night.. When can all this end? From: The broken hearted girl.