To my dearest blog.. It was quite a time since the last post.. Gosh.. It's like almost a year I had abandoned you.. I even get blocked for that.. Gee... Well.. One of the reason would be..... I don't want those people I know to see what I write.. I feel so so super offended.... Seriously! Especially after I knew those who I don't want them to read my blog read.. Funny... 'cause for me.. Blog is where I shout my deepest thoughts and feelings.. It's kinda private... But.. This is my blog! Why would I do that?! Hell NO! I have my right to write to scold or even cry on my blog.. Ok.. So.. What is going on lately? Hmmmm.. I guess my life's a joke.. Or maybe I myself is a joke... I'm a mistake.. I quit my advance diploma.. I'm forced to go back to my hometown which I don't even wanna step on the ground of it... I don't even wanna breath the air here! Why is it so terrible? It would be.. This place is SO SUPERB fallen behind.. Too small.. Since it was just an island.. But most of all.. I can't accept people's mind set and thinking here.. It's terrible and very narrow minded.. Just like "orang kampung".. Speaking of that.. Before I came back here.. I broke up with my boyfriend.. He says he can't stand long distance relationship.. Since he's living in West Malaysia.. I'm living at the east.. We agree for that.. Thou I'm still in love with him.. What to do? He pushed me away so hard.. Plus.. he's too young for me.. 4 years younger.. Goshh he's still studying primary school.. OMG.. See.. I always do stupid things in my life.. I don't understand why I accepted him as my Bf.. Maybe plainly because.. Love is blind.. Well then.. I tried so hard to get over him.. I get a job.. Which is the worst decision ever in my whole entire silly life.. I'm hyperactive.. I can't stand sitting whole day there doing the same damn thing everyday for a living.. I thought I can accept it.. But unfortunately.. I CAN'T!! I quit my study because my internship was a disaster.. The whole designer life for me is.. is....... a tragedy.. But I wanted to work as a pre-wedding photographer.. but I can't get the job here.. And so I quit the design world & I enter the OL world.. which I thought I'll fit in quite well since I hate designer's life and OL's life is just opposite of that.. HIAHIA!! Congratulations!! I just fell into another shit... Now I'm very clear of my aim and goal.. I WANNA BE A PROFESSIONAL PRE-WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER!! I don't care what they will say out there.. I WILL go back KL for this!! Ok.. Just when I'm started to get use to the lifestyle here about a month.. He.. Yes.. My ex BF cry to make up with me.. I can't lie to myself.. I still love him thou everyone disagree for that.. I struggled.. I forgave.. I gave him another god damn bloody chance! I thought he would appreciate this time.. I thought he would change.. I thought he would love me more than before.. yea.. It lasted for about 3 months & he dumped me again.. 2 days before Christmas! What a lovely Christmas present!! What hurt me most? He used the same damn reasons as my ex before him and.. The worst part is.. I went through another shit just like that ex I mentioned just now.. The same old shit repeated.. Why did I do that? Why both of you did that to me? You were the one who cried like you really meant it and now who's the one left behind and wounded like hell?! I don't deserve this!! ENOUGH!! I had enough!! I won't do it again! Not anymore for the rest of my life!! This is just so sick!! I'm a fool.. But.. why am I still feeling hurt when I saw his post in FB saying "Can't take my eyes off of you"? This was like just 2 weeks after broke-up! He met another girl so fast?! Such a jerk!! But no matter how he hurt me.. I just cant get over him.. Why? Why is this happening to me?! I'm hopeless... Furthermore.. My best friend neglected me since her Bf came back here.. She left me alone every weekends.. That is truly hurtful too..I wanna run away from all these shit.. But I seemed to be trapped here forever.. God please lead me the correct way.. I'm struggling everyday.. I'm having insomnia every night.. When can all this end? From: The broken hearted girl.

心痛比快乐更真实
爱为何这样的讽刺
我忘了这是第几次
一见你就无法坚持
孤独比拥抱更真实
爱让人失去了理智
会不会是我太自私
拒绝更寂寞的日子
放不开 也看不见未来
难道这种不完美
才是爱情真实的样子

不知所措，心如刀割

今天，今晚，这个时刻，
很开心！
很兴奋！！
因为你竟然没事主动找我聊天
真是破天荒
我可以去买六合彩了！
一定中头奖！！
哈哈哈哈哈！
回到自己的家已经够爽了，
今天你的主动搞得我超开心！
今晚不用睡了！
也睡不着！！
就算睡了一定带着最甜的笑容！
你真的是唯一一个
可以把我的情绪带到最高
又能把它跌到最低的那个人
真是服了你！
彻低败给你了！！
我完蛋了！！！！

心

不知不觉，七个月了
空白了
偶然的遇见
插身的人
堕落过，沉沦过，沦陷过，
忘了所有过去
最后终于找回那种心跳
依据心跳的感觉
付出我的心
关心，疼爱，呵护，
把我一切最好的都给你
所有都尽可能因你而完美
尽可能让你感觉我对你那颗真挚的心
只因我是真的爱上你了
彻彻底底
疯疯癫癫
但是
到头来
发现
我太傻
全都是我一厢情愿而已
为什么？
我对你的好你都可以视而不见
我对你的心
你可以彻底踩碎
碎片漫天飞
都飞走了
什么也没剩下了
一切难道只是过眼云烟？
不是的！
心还跳着
滩着鲜血跳着
是真的痛了
为什么你就可以那么若无其事？
为什么我就要那么在意？
为什么人会有感受？
要有感受？
如果没有所谓感情
一切不就简单得多？
也不需要那么痛
那么苦
为什么当他们叫你要珍惜
怂恿你
你不是打给我？
而是另一个她？
我比不上她吗？？
哪里比不上？
我敢说她一定没有我对你好！
你不知道
我多久没对一个人那么好了！
我为什么要爱上你？！
为什么？！！！
你为什么又不能碰巧的也爱上我呢？
难道真的要我说出来吗？
我办不到！
我放不下身为一个小女生的身段
也害怕你拒绝我
我到底能怎么样？
该怎么办？
谁能回答我？
没办法爱上别人了
你为什么就可以那么潇洒
说追就追别的女生？
为什么就不看看我？
我就在你身边
你却视而不见
你不知道每一次我听见你信息铃声响一次
我的心就会疼一次
我以为我的真诚能感动你
原来我打动的只是我自己
又有谁比我伤悲？
何时能结束？
我不知道
也许这就是所谓报应
因为我那么对待他
你就这么对我
尽管如此
这颗心
还在期待奇迹出现
倔强的我太笨
倔强的心太傻
告诉我不要放弃你
不能不爱你
因为
我别无选择
情痴的悲哀
谁懂我的心？

累了。倦了。疼了。麻痹了。
生活无趣乏味。厌恶。
没知觉的肉体能活多久？
久违的灵魂它去了哪里？
没动力的人生能撑多久？
连很渴望爱的那颗心也停止了心跳
要什么？
我不知道
我真的不知道
有什么指望？
没指望
有什么想法？
没想法
有什感受？
没感受
连听到会心疼的那首歌
现在没作用了
怎么落得如此田地？
心死了
怎么能复活？
所有问题
没有答案
有答案又怎样？
不能怎样
也不想怎样
怎么办？

我想
我只需要一个旷阔的肩膀
在我失落的时候让我躺一躺
我只需要一双温柔而有力的双手
在我坠落的时候抓着我
我需要一双敏感的耳朵
最算不说出口也能聆听我心最深处最私密的话
我需要一张会说话的嘴
当我需要安慰鼓励的时候
我需要一双明亮的眼睛
能看透我的所有
好的坏的
我需要一颗心
能原谅我所有的过错
有意无意的
我需要一个他
单纯的
明白我
体谅我
保护我
疼惜我
很爱我
而我也很爱他
眼里只有彼此
陪着我，度过我的每一个季节
陪着我，度过我每个喜怒哀乐
一直陪伴着彼此的心跳

也许是等得累了
等待太长
这个梦太沉重
别想了
越想越伤

神，我把我交托给你。
求你救我脱离
只有你明白我要什么
最需要什么

顿时
觉得我是废物
活在这个世界只是在浪费氧气
我知道
我功课很烂
我人品不好
我嘴巴很贱
长得又丑又黑又矮
又笨又蠢
所以你们才抛弃我
当我最需要帮助的时候你推我去死
当我无助的时候我只能靠自己
垂死挣扎
我也不想靠你们！
有谁会游泳还需要救生圈？！
这样就算了
为什么连我唯一的队友你也要抢？？！
你那么有本事自己上啦！！！
干吗还要拉拢我的人？！
算了
当我心情平复的时候
为什么要告诉我那么烂的消息？？？！！
我不想重做咯
我很努力了！！
为什么结局总是一样？！
那我那么坚持，那么拼是为了什么？
反正结果都是如此
真的很想放弃

。。。

我该怎么办？

1.15am
播放着灰色的音乐
房间充满灰色的空气
灰色的气味
如此刺鼻
顿时觉得这个世界是灰色的
没有色彩
在这个灰色的宇宙
如何找寻那个小时候我最爱的彩虹？